OC's Rule Book
Good day boys, it's time for an article from your favorite man of respect, Original Chunkyness. That would be me, for you schmos out there who don't know. Anyhow, I've been getting a lot of requests from some of my literate readers (or half literate in some cases) asking me how to act like a Mafioso. Okay , I said to myself, do I really want to tell these goofballs how to act? Why the hell not. So what I've done, my loyal readers, is write you a little guide that explains how acting like a wiseguy can help you in business. So here are a few useful tips on how to act like a mobster. OCs rule number1: Keep your mouth shut! If I've told you once, I've told you a million times. Despite the recent rash of canaries in the Cosa Nostra, I stand by the oath 100%. Never rat on your friends and never give your opinion unless someone asks for it. And when they do ask, keep it as short as possible. Silence is golden, remember that. It's very important not to criticize directly for any reason, ever. You will only make enemies this way, and you want to avoid that. You never know who'll be waiting in a dark alley to put a bullet in your potential carcass as you walk out of the strip club... or who's waiting down the corporate corridor to eat your lunch. OC rule number 2: Learn your politics The higher you move up in any organization, the more politics are involved in decisions. Ultimately, decisions are made by people and you must understand that almost every decision has political implications. Always know who is involved in the decision-making and whom it will affect. That is why I advise to keep your mouth shut as much as possible and never to answer a question unless it is asked. The more you talk, the more rope to hang yourself with -- or for your enemies to hang you with for that matter. OC rule number 3: Always have an alibi! (Cheeky =P) Here's another one that has served me well in life. The general perception is that wiseguys are crooked; personally, I think Hollywood executives are even more crooked. I remember reading about an executive that would green light a movie and then write two memos. One was about how great he thought the movie would do, and stated his full support for the project. The other memo detailed his worries about the movie and how they should not do the project, but he's acting on the advice of his lieutenants. The end result: if the movie was a big hit, the executive took all the credit and glory. If the movie flopped, he could pull out his cautionary memo and say, "I warned you" to his bosses. For the record, Caserr has one hell of a business going -- I love to advertise! Regret is a terrible thing my friends. OC rule number 4: Watch out for the ladies! Women are often beautiful creatures. I love women, and the more the merrier. Especially after a long night at the club. But be careful about what you tell women. Sure you may want to impress them with your machinations or big job/cash/car/you-name-it; but remember, they can be sharks too and with them, you won't even see the bullet coming. In business, you'll notice that women will use their feminine prowess (when possible) to soften you up. The real sharks won't hesitate to flirt with you and cajole you until they get what they want. Good for them, I respect them for using every dirty trick in the book... but guys, don't get caught in the trap or it will ruin your career and personal life in no time flat. You've been warned, so I better not catch any of you messing up with some broad. Messing around is a different story; be discreet and get yourself the right mistress... just keep your mouth shut! Watch your back boys and keep your noses clean. A Original Chunkyness production!